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ALFRED Dear Boy, sometimes it is a pleasure to believe in fairy tales. Alfred cheerfully shakes his head as the Paperboy scampers off. He turns to the sewer grate just as the slimy flippers recoil back away. INSIDE THE SEWER GRATE--EVENING His back turned to the viewer and wearing a black, thick, full-length, and grimily wraith-like coat-cape, PENGUIN pulls back from the grate. The waif dexterously jimmies the laser and with a whoosh, the shield sputters off. I probably should just shut up, but you know, this was a very serious pair of shoes you ruined. Penguin's disciples continue to whisk around the Batmobile like paparazzi, flashing their cameras. ANOTHER HALLWAY CORRIDOR--NIGHT A convoy lead by the two Knifeskulls swaggers out from Shreck's office. The rolled up carpet whooshes up in the air and smack dab impales itself on the blades of the Knifeskulls, locking them together. He howls and hobbles as Batman saunters toward him, reeling in his gun. In one swift-straight arm gesture, Batman shoves the Ringmaster's skull into the wall, cracking the headset with a quick whine. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT Penguin furiously yanks off his now also whining headset. SELINA'S OWN VOICE Hi Selina, this is yourself calling. Snow-covered cages and pits that seem more terrifying empty than if filled with ferocious beasts. Penguin glances down to a stream of Da Vinciesque (One is of the big red present). My image consultants Punch and Juliet are going to bring out your more Mayoral smile.
He is lowered down from the grate to the sewer floor by a Rubber Duck Scissor-Lift Buggy apparatus being cranked by TWO DWARVES. Your buildings, your stores, your factories, your oil wells, your licorice... MAYOR I've got to refuse permission on the chemical plant construction. His back turned to his guests, Max's pleasant demeanor chills into a look of horror; his smile gone for the first time. Everyone eerily commences snap- ping pictures including the Penguin, poking his head out of the manhole. Couldn't you have just been a prince and broken my jaw? Ringmaster holds his syringe knuckles against Max's neck. Batman, with a fist a piece, violently bashes them over. RINGMASTER You really think you can take me down, Mr. I'm reminding you that you better have brought home the Bruce Wayne file to work on, because Max Slavemaster is meeting with him tomorrow. The viewer connects up with a determinedly trotting, RATTY, SPIKY-HAIRED POODLE, wearing a strange pair of goggles. PENGUIN I could get Respect....would I have to give up my hobbies?
They then brake at the railing of a storybook bridge over a bubbling brook. If you're fibbing about how much you've seen and heard tonight, you could run off and hurt me. GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT The Batmobile putters down a deserted Gotham street. BATMOBILE--NIGHT Alfred's face comes on a screen in the Batmobile. He pours a test tube of nasty red liquid into a beaker of pleasant blue. Bruce moves off from the table with a stark, black palm-size rectangular object with a computer screen that resembles a malevolent Gameboy. The closest I ever came to playing a game of basketball was hearing the sound of dribbling on the manholes above my head. It is the worst of times, it is the worst of times.
With dark nonchalance, Father and Mother each grab an end of the carriage and heave it upward. THE CARRIAGE--NIGHT swirls in the air and splashes down into the small river. THE SEWER--NIGHT The carriage innocently slides through the murky waters of the awesomely cavernous and creepy sewer, softly surfing its sides. A DARK LAIR--NIGHT The resilient carriage spews from a gaping pipe into a moat of water that surrounds a vast patch of snow and ice that is the centerpiece of a dark and mysterious lair. You've been a very decent assistant, Selina Kyle, but is this a chance I can take? MAX (stepping forward) Is your life as important as my reputation? ALFRED (screen) It is about time you came back, you.. The Red Triangle Circus Gang were always just cheap thrillseekers. The closest I ever came to going to a dance was finding a corsage in a puddle of sewer sludge. I have a terrible feeling, don't ask me how I know, that starting tonight there is going to be a major crimewave.
Max doles a gleefully robotic array of handshakes and waves, culminating in a slap to the Salvation Army Santa's back. The Terrifying Clown gunmen fire frantically down from the scaffolding as the Batmobile rams the wheeled platform from the back and drives it closer and closer toward the Batman merchandising store. Just remember he's just some guy with a better costume. Batman focuses upon the Tattooed Strongman angrily chasing Alfred and the Little Girl. THE OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT A spooked Selina turns from the window to the sight and sound of the outer office doors heaving in and out from unseen ramming. A bullet neatly destructs the left heel of her high heel shoe. CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT Everyone freezes toward the commotion going outside the tall conference room doors. One shoots out a flame, one pokes out a sword tip, one causes a goofy spinning hypno-vertigo swirl effect, another shoots a blast acid that melts through the middle of the table. PENGUIN Up there, Max, you're the master of Gotham City. You see, I hear your speeches about protecting the community, then see you dump toxic waste into the sewers. It's just, why do you get to be a man of the people and I have to be the boogeyman. A SMALL PENGUIN BIRD wobbles atop the table and stops to squawk-babble at Penguin.
THUGS IN NOVELTY NOSE AND GLASSES fulminate bullets at the back of the buffeting Batmobile. The Inertia-ed Scaffolding fiercely slams into the store, sending the Terrifying Clowns violently smashing down upon the memorabilia. A powerful STEEL JACK-TYPE DEVICE jets out the bottom of the Batmobile and barber-seats the vehicle up off the ground. He maneuvers the joystick that controls the steel spewing apparatus. A steel star thunks into the back of the Strongman's head, crumpling him to the ground. Chip takes off and folds his blazer, with a laugh of superiority. He cockily strides toward the noises when the doors slam open, crunching him out cold. I listen through a sewer grate to you promising one thing, then see you through a ventilator shaft doing another thing. I got nothing against being a two- faced weasel, or even dumping toxic waste -- Stuff works good on rat bites...
The planet's most beloved butler, ALFRED, marches past the sewer grate carrying a ludicrously wrapped object that is shaped like a mini-Tyrannosaurus Rex. She compassionately bends down to the black cat that was kicked earlier and picks it up. As the Cat compassionately snuggles up beside her to the sound of her lame boyfriend, Selina kneels down to do some minute tooling on the rooms of her precious doll house.
The Batmobile does a sharp 180 degree spin on the jack to face the firing thugs. The jack slams back up into the Batmobile as the vehicle charges toward the novelty Bespectacled Gunmen. THE SEWER--NIGHT A Bashed Gunmen slams down upon the sewer grate into the suddenly depressed Penguin's viewpoint. Alfred stops to broadly beam at the passing Batmobile. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT Batman steers behind the stage and bounds out.
He activates the security cloak over the Batmobile.
FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF THE OPENING CREDITS WE GO TO... A STORE--EARLY EVENING OF THE CURRENT ERA where the Batman logo fills the frame with a portentous soundtrack boom. (holy) By day, I'll cry out to the public that I'm the only brave soul who can come in and stop this wave of deviously demented crimes. Punch, Juliet, and the decked-out Penguin hop off the table. Penguin squawks and gives a cringing Max a vigorous hug. OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT The new Penguin gracefully parades through the outer office. He poignantly imitates the reactions of other people. Unless there is someone who can teach this city how to love.
A playful salvo of snowballs reverber- ates against this image as the logo is revealed to be a hanging centerpiece in the window of a Batman merchandis- ing store, along with Batman sleds, lunch boxes, T-shirts, and ticking clocks. GOTHAM PLAZA--EARLY EVENING Bathed in pristine snow and packed with GIDDY SHOPPERS, POINSETTIA GRASPING LOVERS, BLESSED CAROLERS, and an overwhelming array of Christmas decoration, the intimate Plaza center of Gotham City has been dragged kicking and screaming into a state of beauty and happiness. Meeting up before a bustling department store called SHRECK'S, an AGGRESSIVELY ALL-AMERICAN DAD holds up a bowed Batman sled to an ALL-AMERICAN MOM. In a way, I'll be the most honest politician who ever lived. Chip hobbles up to give Penguin an enormous money bag. And Juliet, you don't think she'd ever, if she was really drunk... PENGUIN Oh, Max, buddy, to think I was going to torture and maim you... PENGUIN Oswald Cobblepot..."Looking good, Oswald." "Great game Oswald." "Your table is ready, Mr. Cobblepot, but I think I'm in love with you..." Penguin prances out of the office doors and moves off to the left.